What am I afraid of?
This is the question that has been popping up lately. The theme of my week: FEAR.
My fears. What are they? What I am afraid of loosing? What am I afraid of not having?
I get some sort of blockage thinking about it. These same blockage I also get thinking about what makes me happy and when I question myself about what I really want for my life.
Is it necessary to even go there? Finding out what my fears are? My gut is telling me YES!
Because I think you can not have love and joy without fear and lost. And then comes acceptance to then finally be able to let them go. It’s not always easy to admit and face my fears, but to me it is part of the process to being able to live my true passions and desires with love.
Meditation will surely help. I need to meditate more on this I told myself this week.
Actually I went to my fist meditation workshop yesterday morning. Coincidence? I think not!
It was so painful for me to sit there for 1 hour with my legs crossed and my back straight. It was difficult for me to concentrate on anything else but the pain in my upper back, it was even hard to breath. When I meditate at home I usually lay down, exactly because of the pain I feel in my upper back.
The whole fear topic of this week, the meditation workshop, this back pain. This is has to be a sign!
After the meditation session I told the teacher about my back pain and she asked me if I had experience sorrow in my life.
Strange question, I thought to myself. Do I have sorrows in my life? No, I don’t think so was my first response. I am happy why would I have sorrows? I don’t really understand what sorrow means anyways.
But wait… Maybe I do.
This hole question of sorrow got me thinking on this Catday.
Sorrow: a feeling of deep distress caused by loss, disappointment, or other misfortune suffered by oneself or others.
Maybe all those losses I’ve faced and experienced along my journey is stored right there in my upper back muscles? Could this really be? And could it also be linked to the same feeling of tightness in my heart region?
Maybe the loss of both or my grand mothers and the guilt that I felt not attending their funeral, plus not being there for my family is stuck there.
Maybe it’s the lost of good friends and all the effort I put into that friendship.
Maybe it’s all the losses of past relationships that betrayed and hurt me.
Maybe its the lost or the leaving behind of my close friends and family when I moved from Canada to Europe.
Maybe it’s the lost or the lack of a relationship with my brother that means so much to me.
Maybe it’s also the lost of myself, thought the partying, the being the “fun girl”, the trying to make unhealthy things work, through the overcompensating with confidence that I use to mask the uncomfortable felling I fells sometimes in uneasy situation.
Maybe sorrow has many ways to disguise itself thought different situations and are differently perceived for different people?
I think they may very well be my sorrows.
Here is what I found while looking up the connection between the physical back pain and the emotional pain.
Back pain: Lack of support. Money fears. Trying to be a super person, no backbone. Overburdened. Upper back: Lack of emotional support, feeling unloved, holding back love, vulnerable, resentment.
So this lead to me thinking about the upper back and heart connection.
The Heart Chakra.
The fourth Chakra is about compassion, service and vocation. It is about acting lovingly. It is our “centre,” and the first of the spiritual Chakras. The first three are considered “physical.”
This Chakra opens as we are able to see beyond ourselves and become of service to others through “self-centered selflessness.” Vocational thinking tells us that we are here to be of use, not to use others or to be used by others.
Blocks in this Chakra will affect the upper back, arms, heart and lungs.
Heavy heartedness, grief, pain, and anger can live here.
Here is more information about the heart chakra here: http://blog.freepeople.com/2014/02/exploring-energy-heart-chakra/
I have a feeling this is the exact same blockage I have from finding my desires, my love and passions. They are one of the same.
The upper back is right across from the heart isn’t it?
TADA!!! AH HA moment for me right there!!!
I absolutely have to tackles my fears, sorrows, struggles before I will ever be fully able to follow my joy, desires and love. They are connected!
My fears are:
-Not ever finding out my special gifts and sharing it with the world by helping other.
-Being stuck, not having my freedom. Freedom for me means that I take full responsibility for my life. I am the leader. Freedom also means that I can truly express myself as I am. My true self. Fallowing my desires, growing and developing.
-Loosing my support system or the lack of one, or ever me not being there to support in return. I think it is human nature to help and be there for each other. I value my support system so much, being it my close family and friends, my boyfriend, my colleagues at work, my yogi friends at the yoga studio I attend, or the group of girls in my book club. It is the sense of community, supporting each other, the being part of something that is import to me.
-I don’t think I am afraid of dying, however I am truly afraid of dying without my life’s purpose being fulfilled.
There is a link between my fears, the sorrows I have felt through my life and my current struggles of finding my true desire to help/serve people with my unique and special gifts and it is manifesting itself in my upper back and heart area.
And now that I realize this, I can now work on it. Breath into it, let it go and open my heart!
Get to know your fears, they may just be the key to your purpose, hope, desires and what your truly value for you life.
Wishing you all an open heart on this Catday!
Lot’s of love,
P.S It’s not for nothing that I booked myself a heart opening yoga class last week for tomorrow 😉 The universe just new I needed it!